It's Okay To Not Be Understood

 

I’ve come to believe that when someone won’t make any effort to understand us, this is usually what it comes down: deep pain that’s blocking them from love. They might be shut down to everyone. Or specific ideas that trigger something from their past. Or maybe we, ourselves, are the trigger. Maybe we remind them of something they want to forget. Maybe our very presence forces them to come face to face with something they’d rather avoid.

 If we really want understanding, maybe the key is to choose understanding.

Maybe the secret is to broaden our perspective beyond what would make us feel safe in a moment so we can do our part to help create a greater sense of safety for everyone we encounter. Maybe by choosing to offer understanding, we can influence the people around us to heal their pains so they can one day open their heart a little wider. When they’re ready. When they feel safe.

So what’s the best thing to say to someone who doesn’t understand you? I think it’s, “ It's okay. I understand that you can’t understand.”

I think it’s accepting the other person where they are, even if you have no idea where they’ve come from or what’s driving them. Because even if we don’t know the specifics, we can know there’s some explanation—some complex web of past events and psychological factors that make them who and how they are.

This isn’t easy to do. It often requires us to create boundaries, whether that means avoiding specific conversations or even creating physical distance in that relationship. It requires us to pause and connect with our deepest intentions. And it also requires us to let go, knowing we’re offering the kind of compassion and consideration to someone else that they may never be able to give us back.

I take comfort in knowing this is the higher road, not because I feel superior on higher ground but because it’s less painful there—for me, and for everyone I encounter in my life. When I choose to be the change I wish to see, it’s less important to me that everyone else sees me, values me, gets me, and understands my good intentions—because I do, because I know.

And this is a strong foundation for navigating a world full of people who aren’t ready or able to love.