Comparison !

“My friend is fairer than me. Why am I dark?  He has got a promotion last year and I have not. Why is God so unfair towards me? Omg!! He has got an onsite and is travelling the world earning lakhs and I am still in this small town earning peanuts!” 

Are these not the thoughts of all of us? Comparisons, it is said, are odious. And yet this is the criterion we use to judge every aspect of our lives. We keep in mind a frame of reference for almost everything – happiness, success, peace, pleasure, pain, accolades and yes, even loving. You may be successful, but another’s greater success makes you uncomfortable. The mind has an inbuilt comparative calculator. First it would be school grades, then comes the job title, income level, promotion, and onsite of our best friend, house size of our relative and worldly successes of everyone we know. We all do it; we look at what others are doing and wish we were doing that too. Or, alternatively, we scoff at what they’re doing and judge them, and see ourselves as better. Yes. We all compare. One makes us feel bad, the other makes us feel superior. Neither makes us happy.

We live our life comparing it with others. We sell our all in an effort to chase what we ultimately discover was but a mirage. When we find ourselves envious of what someone else has, and feel jealous, inferior or inadequate as the result, we’re having a negative social comparison moment. This negative social comparison is a big game. When we wish to look, be, or have like others, we’re not really wishing for everything about that person, but only the idealized aspects of the individual. The tendency to compare ourselves to others is as human as any other emotion. Certainly I’m not alone in my experience. But it is a decision that only steals joy from our lives. And it is a habit with numerous shortcomings.

So, why shouldn’t we compare ourselves to others? One reason is that there is always someone – or more likely, a bunch of folks – better than us. 

One of the big reasons we compare our lives is to get approval. And in general I think that wanting approval from others is a big obstacle in both personal growth and living a happy life. We may want the neighbours, friends etc. to think/say: “Did you see that new car/swimming-pool/shoes? It is the coolest on the block. He´s is moving up in the world”. 

A problem with comparing myself to others and wanting approval from them is that I let others control how I feel in life. I feel bad when I am saving for the new car. I feel great when I finally have gotten enough money to drive it home. And then I feel bad again when I see that someone else has an even finer automobile.

Comparison is always unfair. It is based on our perception and not the truth. Elephant is dark and fat. Is it ugly? Is it not good and majestic? So, beauty is a perception. What looks beautiful to me may not be beautiful to the other. We all know that A R Rahman loves music and Sachin loves cricket. If Sachin is given a key board and said that he should never think of Cricket anymore in his life, will he be happy? Will Rahman be happy if he is given a bat and an awesome cricket ground and asked not to touch keyboard anymore? So, what makes one happy may not give happiness to the other. So, how does this theory of Money = Happiness be true? How can money give happiness to everyone? What if a person earns in lakhs every month and spends them in hospital for his treatment? What if a person travels the world, but has a bad wife back at home? What if a person is settled abroad, but misses his family a lot? What if a person gets promotion, gets busy at work and forgets to follow his passion? There is nothing in this world that can make everyone happiness or sad. Happiness is just a state of mind. Happiness is accepting things as it comes to us. Happiness is this state of acceptance. 

Bag A is heavier than Bag B by 1kg. Capacity of green bottle is 4l more than the red bottle. Can I say that he is 1kg happier than me? Can I say that A is 5l beautiful than B. No... But why? Because many things in life can’t be measured and quantified. But comparison always requires metrics. Then now can we compare two things that can’t be compared with each other?   

 I always remember this poem of Walterrean Salley

God could've made two—

Another just like you.

But, then, He took

A second thought,

And said, 'Just one would do.'

And so, for your loveliness—

Your uniqueness too—

There is no other

Quite like you.

There's just no other quite like you.

God made all varieties of people with a wide variety of interests and abilities who cannot be compared with each other. When God created us to stand out, why should we compare ourselves with others and try to fit in?

 

We should take a note of the foolish nature of comparison and become intimately aware of our own successes. We should start pursuing greater things in life. Some of the greatest treasures in this world are hidden from sight: love, humility, empathy, selflessness, generosity. Among these higher pursuits, there is no measurement. We should compete less and start appreciating more. Comparing our lives with others is foolish. But finding inspiration and learning from others is entirely wise... Why don't we find inspiration without comparing? 

If we are not able to live without comparing, let us start comparing us with ourselves. There is no better person on earth than us with whom we can compare ourselves with. We ought to strive to be the best possible versions of ourselves—not only for our own selves, but for the benefit and contribution we can offer to others.

I am quoting the words that I had noted down in my diary from a beautiful article I read long back.

“The Buddha reminds us that the four conditions in life which cause suffering are: birth, aging, illness, and death. No one, no matter how powerful, successful, wealthy, or fabulous they seem on the outside, can escape these truths. These conditions effectively make ALL of us equal. What’s left, then, are values which truly make our brief existence on this earth worthwhile: self-acceptance, quality relationships, and a meaningful life’s purpose. For each of these, the answers and our ability to realize them come from WITHIN. No external accomplishments, privileges, entitlements or materialism alone can achieve them. No superficial status, ranks, stations, or possessions are required to realize them.”

"Try not to get lost in comparing yourself to others. Discover your gifts and let them shine!" 

— Jennie Finch

"To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself."

— Thich Nhat Hanh